Parenting Tips
from
LaReta Willams
Director, Fern Norville Center/KCCS
In order for us to be informed and make good decisions with such
a broad array of children and backgrounds, we spend a great deal of time
reviewing and researching information on the parent/ child relationship and best
practice material for the child care industry. The following information is a
combination of numerous observations from several different disciplines. I have
combined ideas and wording into this format which we use to train our staff
members so that they may be more effective in dealing with the children in our
care. This information is not intended to criticize any style of parenting, or
any parent. It is meant only as an exchange of information in the hope that all
children may benefit from expanded ideas and knowledge.
PARENT AND DISCIPLINING STYLES-and results:
The Over-bearing Parent: (Bossy Parent)- This parent is demanding,
controlling and critical.
They show very little acceptance
or affection to their children. They make lots of rules, and expect them never
to be broken. Any rule that is broken results in severe punishment. Physical
and emotional pain is discipline designed to “beat the child into submission” of
the parents’ control and power.
Children with this type of parent learn to resent
authority. They learn aggression and avoidance, (lying or blaming others), for
self preservation. Some totally withdraw,
(the beaten down child). Children feel that they
are unloved and un-loveable. They learn that abusing others is the only way to
get what you want.
The “Friendly” Parent- This parent shows lots of love and affection to his/
her children, but is
not very good at making rules or
making rules stick. This parent fears that the child will feel less loved, or
love the parent less, if there are too many rules and restrictions, or if the
parent appears strict. This type of parent is reluctant to set boundaries or
mete out discipline. This type of parent behaves as a peer with the child,
relying on their relationship to gain compliance, (if you don’t do what I want,
I won’t be your friend anymore). The parent assumes that the child will make
good decisions just because the parent wants him to. There are few, if any,
guidelines or boundaries for proper behavior, and no consequences for bad
choices. This parent dislikes, (or is unable to handle), conflict and will give
in to keep the peace.
Children of this type of parent
demand, whine or tantrum until they get what they want, (because they know the
parent is going to cave in so the child will still love them). Children with
this type of parent are often aggressive, immature and never learn to accept
responsibility for their actions. Because of the lack of proper boundaries,
they are indifferent to others’ rights and are at risk of being socially
un-desirable. It is hard for children to befriend an unruly, self-centered,
self-serving child who will blame all mistakes on whoever else is handy.
The “Off-line” Parent (disconnected)- This parent may be absent from the
home, or so involved
with their own life that they
have little or no time, energy or resources to devote to their children. Some
of these parents have too much daily stress to pay attention to their child’s
needs. The off-line parent makes very few rules or guidelines and is oblivious
to the child’s needs, (mental, physical and emotional). They don’t pay enough
attention to see that there is a need. Children are left on their own to
develop mentally, emotionally and socially.
Children with off-line parents are usually very
insecure. They have difficulty in developing relationships, (they don’t know
how). These children are very impulsive. They have no guidelines for
priorities or boundaries, (whatever is ok, ‘cause nobody cares anyway). School
is not a successful place for them, (they expect the same game here). If a
positive, caring influence can be introduced fairly early, there is hope for
these kids, (they just need someone to care enough to show them the way, before
they give up hope).
The Effective Parent- The effective parent is warm, loving, affectionate
and “real” with
the child. Being real, in my
opinion, is conveying to the child personal values and priorities, (this means
spending time and talking about life). Rules and limits are set and maintained
so the child has guidelines for behavior, self- discipline and social
acceptance. The effective parent teaches the child what is right and what is
wrong, (in behavior, in social context and in building relationships). The
effective parent is fair and patient, (with himself and with the child). The
effective parent is as quick to praise as he is to correct, (ever read “Catch
‘em Being Good”). The effective parent is thoughtful and governed in his
actions and words before they are expressed. The effective parent may make
mistakes, but uses those mistakes to learn and make positive changes for himself
and the child. Discipline is fair, consistent and delivered with love and
concern for the child, (not in retaliation for upset of power), and to help the
child grow.
Children of effective parents are well behaved and cooperative
with authority figures.
The have very strong, confident
self- images. They make friends easily and do well in school. These children
feel loved, valued and valuable, (to their family, their friends and to society
in general). These children are what all children should be, safe, healthy
(mind, body and spirit) and happy.
Re-reading these descriptions reminded me of a memo that I issued to all of
my staff after I was out of town for two days at a training conference last
year. (Actually, it was issued as a reprimand for a former employee, but I hate
to print that.) I would like to share my ideas, and hope that they are few and
simple enough to store them (if you think they are worthy) for immediate
reference if the need should arise. My opening remarks to my staff began with
the words “THE CHILDREN IN OUR CARE DEPEND ON US”, it still fits:
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Children need our guidance, not our criticism.
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If a child needs help, give it.
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If a child has a question, answer it effectively.
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If you can’t offer a solution to a problem, offer a hug.
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DO NOT RAISE YOUR VOICE. It does not emphasize your authority, it
diminishes it. Raising your voice gives the impression that you are not in
control. If you are not in control, how can you expect the child to be in
control?
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Our primary directive is helping the child learn compliance with required
norms, not beating them into submission of our will.
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Make sure directions and expectations are clear and understood. If a
child does not respond appropriately, take him/ her by the hand and walk them
through the task that needs to be accomplished.
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Consequences should be considered the results of bad choices, not torture
tactics or struggles to establish power or authority. Excessive or unjust
punishment creates anger and resentment and accelerates bad behavior. Power
struggles with a child are ineffective and useless. If you have to struggle,
the child has the power, not you.
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Obey the GOLDEN RULE, (especially with children, especially with
consequences).
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If you lose control, get some professional help. (For my staff, this would
be me. For you I have a list of professional help numbers in our letter, but
you can feel free to call me too.)
I hope that you have found at least one idea in this information that will
help you become a better parent, so that your child will be safe, healthy and
happy and grow up one day to be an even better parent. May God bless and
protect all children.
LaReta Williams
Director
Fern Norville Center/ KCCS
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